Friendship (John 15 & 1 Samuel 18, 23)

This morning, we’re pressing pause on our series in John so we can talk about relationships. Over the next 4 weeks, we’re asking what the Bible has to say about friendship, singleness, marriage, family, and the church. 

This morning we’re talking about friendship, so if you have friends, invite them back next week to hear what the Bible has to say about the different relationships we have or maybe wish we had.  

In 1938, the Harvard Study of Adult Development started studying the lives of a couple hundred university students.¹ Researchers were interested in knowing what factors contribute to a happy, healthy life. And what they discovered is fascinating.  

In their almost 90 years of research, they found that loneliness kills. It’s as deadly as alcoholism and smoking AND that close, meaningful relationships are one of the greatest indications of a satisfied life.  

See, if you were to ask us in our 20s what we wanted most in life, we’d probably say money, fame, success. But if we were asked again in our 70s and 80s, we’d probably say, I just wanna be known and loved by the people that matter most.  

And if by your 70s and 80s, you don’t have people that matter to you, then the money, fame, and success probably aren’t doing that much for you anyway, because you have no one to share it with. Those things don’t fulfill you.  

BTW, I love that one of the longest studies ever conducted gives us these findings because it means some of the finest social scientists in the world spent 90 years confirming what God said in the Bible in 10 words. 

In [Gen. 2] after God made everything, he looked around and said …“It is not good that the man should be alone…”

After God created the heavens and the earth and filled it with his goodness, he looked around, and before sin had ever entered the world, he still said there’s one thing that’s not good. I mean just look at the Trinity. There is ONE God who exists eternally in three co-equal persons. He didn’t create us to satisfy himself. He experiences perfect loving community within the Godhead. No, he made us out of the overflow of his love and he made us to be like him.  

The Bible’s clear that we were made for relationships. So, if you ever feel some low-grade sadness over not having all the friends you need, on some level, that’s because God made you that way. He made you for others. 

The Bible basically tells us you’re a fool if you don’t have friends and you will struggle in life (1) if you lack good friends or (2) if you keep close company with bad ones. 

Loneliness kills and true friendship is crucial for walking in godliness. And that’s what I want us to dive into this morning. We’re gonna jump around a bit, but if you have a Bible, go ahead and open to John 15. We’ll make this our launching pad and our landing spot.  

[John 15:12] – Jesus says – “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. 17 These things I command you, so that you will love one another.

In an instant, Jesus redefines the history of the world in the context of friendship. Friendship is at the heart of the gospel. In one sense, you could say the story of the Bible is that we walked away from friendship with God, and it ruined our lives. But Jesus came and treated God’s enemies as friends. He came and let his life be ruined for us so that we could enter back into friendship with God. And then he turns around and says, “Now go be a friend like me.”   

So I want to spend the rest of our time looking at how we can be friends like Jesus. Let’s look at FIVE traits of true friendship:  

1. Real friendship is built on shared loves.

Every friendship has to be about something. In verse 15, Jesus says I don’t call you servants, but friends because “…all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” Jesus is saying we now share the same loves. We now know what the Father is doing and he invites us into that with him.  

Friends form bonds around shared loves. There might be something about a person that naturally inclines you to them, but there must be some mutual interest that brings you together.  

That was true for David and Jonathan. After David had killed Goliath, [1 

Sam. 18] – As soon as [David] had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul…[3] Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul.  

See, the connection Jonathan had for David was their shared love for the 

Lord and his commitment to the people of God. David’s zeal for the Lord mirrored Jonathan’s, and nothing made that more evident than David’s willingness to go to battle a giant ready to crush his skull in.  

But Jonathan saw that tenacity of spirit and devotion to the Lord, and he loved David for it. He’s like, he’s like me! He felt a connection with him even greater than the bond he shared with his brothers.  

True friendships are built on shared loves, but they take time and effort to cultivate. You have to be intentional. You have to make time to pursue the relationship. That’s why proximity matters. You need to be around each other. 

In an international context like ours, that’s hard because we feel limited on time, and the people you’re closest to might live somewhere else. 

Some of my closest friends live all over the place—Durham, Atlanta, Tulsa, Minneapolis, San Diego. One of them is applying to the FBI and needed a character reference. He joked about not asking me because of the time difference. I told him it’s probably for the best because I know too much about him, and I’m not about to lie to the FBI. 

We might be able to pick up where we left off when I see them, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re not here. Tim Keller puts it like this: “We don’t have all the friends our hearts need.”

So again, if you’re feeling the sadness that comes with that, I just want to remind you: God brought you here. And if God is big enough to choose the setting in your life, he’s also big enough to supply you with the people you need around you. You say, well, my options are limited. But instead of complaining, why don’t you take stock of who God has put around you and take the next step toward them and see what happens?  

Friendship must be about something, and Christians, of all people, have every reason to be hopeful in forming these relationships because the gospel is the most powerful unifier.  

Some people have meaningful friendships over sports teams. Hobbies.

Ethnic backgrounds. But there is nothing as unifying as Jesus dying on the Cross to bring sinners together in his name. Two or three people who are experiencing the life-changing power of God in their lives have so much going for them, even if they have nothing else in common.  

And if you don’t believe that, it might be that you’re not experiencing the life-giving power of God yourself.  

2. Real friendship shapes you.  

How many of you have ever asked yourself, “Why am I not growing in my faith?” And as you ask that question, why don’t you also ask, who are the people I’ve surrounded myself with? It might be because you haven’t done the hard work of cultivating friendship with other people who match, if not exceed, your love for the Lord.  

Solomon, the son of David, wrote in [Prov. 13:20] – Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Which is interesting because you’d expect him to say the person who walks with the wise becomes wise and the person who befriends fools becomes a fool. But that’s not what he says. He says the person who walks with fools will suffer harm.  

That’s why, for example, I want nothing to do with someone who’s a gossip. It might feel good in the moment to be “in the know” when you’re in those conversations, but someone who gossips to you will likely gossip about you. Over time, that either makes you treat people the same way or stops you from trusting others, and that’s what disciples you. 

Friends shape us. You may have heard the phrase: “You become the average of your five closest friends.” So, take a moment to think about who those people are. Those names that just popped into your head? You’re becoming like them. So if you’ve ever wondered who the future you will be, just look at who your friends are.

Which is both scary and freeing. If you don’t like the path you’re on, maybe it’s time to find some new friends. Figure out how to surround yourself with people where the gravitational pull of those friendships is moving you closer to the person of Jesus, then see where you end up in 10 years. 

3. Real friendship saves you from you. 

Real friends help you see yourself. That’s because real friends are those special people you give permission to peer into your life and speak truth to you, even when it’s hard to hear.  

[Prov. 27:6] – Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Or, in Leviticus 19, we’re told to love your neighbor as yourself, but right before that in verse 17 it says: You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him.

That’s because real friendship is vulnerable. And you can’t be friends like that with everyone. The reality is that there are levels to our relationships. You likely have four kinds of relationships in your life.  

You have acquaintances. These are people you see, but generally don’t interact with or know much about.  

Casual friends are people you might hang out with because they’re in one of your spheres of influence. These are the people you connect with from work, at the gym, in your neighborhood or wherever else you do life. You share an interest—cars, sports, hobbies—and you enjoy hanging out when you can. You pray for them, you care for them, but the relationship stays surface-level. 

Close friends are even fewer. These are people you spend intentional time with—maybe from your community group or a women’s bible study. You encourage each other, pray for each other, and you genuinely care about one another. These people have influence in your life. 

Intimate friends are the deepest level of friendship. These are the people who really know you. The ones you don’t wear a mask around. The people who see your most unfiltered self. The people you can be honest with about your struggles and doubts. And they do the same with you.  

Now, maybe you’re wondering, “What’s the difference between a close and an intimate friend?” An intimate friend has the license to say things to you no one else can, and it doesn’t end the relationship. IOW, if there’s anything you keep off limits from them, they’re not on the level of intimacy. 

I read an article the other day that said we could measure the quality of our relationships by the depth of our conversations.^[1] The first 3 levels the article mentioned were talking about cliches, facts, and opinions. Cliches mean things like – How are you? If you’re American, how’s the weather? If you’re Malaysian, what do you think of the food?  

Facts means talking about what you know, and opinions goes one step further in sharing what you think, but neither goes to the level of exposing who you are. That’s why those kinds of conversations feel safe to have, but the two deepest levels of communication—the emotional level and the transparency level—where you share the real lies that you wrestle with, the sin struggles you have, your most honest and raw thoughts—they say most people never get there.  

Again, Prov. 27:17 says: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. 10 times out of 10, kisses feel better than wounds. But if all your friends ever do is tell you how awesome you are you probably don’t have very honest friends. Some wounds are good for us. And the friends who know the real us can say the things no one else is willing to say because they know, even though it’ll hurt, it’s for our good and we need it.  

Ray Ortlund puts it like this: “Every one of us needs to go to another person and say, ‘Help me see myself. Help me get sharper for Christ.’”

Real friends don’t just see the ugliness in your life, they have the guts to help you see it too. It takes real courage to sit across from a friend and tell them something hard—especially when it’s about a sin you see in their life. But you do it because you love them and want to see them set free. 

Having a friend tell you, “There’s something really off in your heart, and I still love you,” cuts deep. It may hurt in the moment, but sometimes that’s exactly what we need to wake up and start fighting the sin that’s been pulling us down. 

Do you have friends like this?  

We all need a few close friends who really know us—people who understand what drives us, who can see past the walls we put up with others. 

See, friends like that, they see the real you. So when other people ask how you’re doing and you say fine, they can see it on your face, “No, you’re not.”  

And when you’re tempted to start thinking you’re a big deal, they can say, “You’re not that important.” And when you just don’t believe in yourself, they see what God’s doing in your life, and they can hold the crown over your head even when you don’t think you deserve it. 

Which brings me to…

4. Real friendship strengthens you in your walk with God.

Holding the crown over your head – that’s what Jonathan did for David. There was a time in David’s life when he seriously doubted everything God had promised him. We said earlier that Jonathan loved David, but Saul hated him. So much so that he tried to kill David.  

At one point, Jonathan confronts Saul about it. He’s like, “David hasn’t done anything wrong to you. Why are you trying to kill him?” And Saul agreed. So he promised to leave David alone.  

Meanwhile, Saul goes on to make multiple attempts on David’s life because Saul knows David’s a threat to the throne. But Jonathan didn’t know any of that, so he told David, “Listen, you’re fine. My dad promised to back off. I’ll check again at the next meeting—if he’s angry that you’re not there, we’ll know he’s still out to get you.” Sure enough, when Saul finds out David’s not coming because Jonathan let him go home, Saul gets so angry he throws a spear at Jonathan. 

It was at this moment that Jonathan conceded to David, “Yeah, my dad’s trying to kill you.” I think we can agree that having a spear hurled at you would be a moment of clarity for all of us.  

So David took off, hiding all over Judah, into Moab, and eventually, he finds himself in the wilderness at Horesh.  

And when Jonathan hears of David’s discouragement—[1 Sam. 23:16] – Jonathan, Saul’s son, rose and went to David at Horesh, and strengthened his hand in God.  

Which, BTW, Jerusalem to Horesh would’ve been about 50 kilometers away. It’s not like Jonathan could hop in a car and drive southbound on the Jerusalem expressway to see him. That’s a long way to travel. But his friend needed him.  

[17] – And [Jonathan] said to him, “Do not fear, for the hand of Saul my father shall not find you. You shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you. Saul my father also knows this.” 18 And the two of them made a covenant before the Lord. David remained at Horesh, and Jonathan went home.

Quick question: Who was supposed to be the next king of Israel? Jonathan.  And yet Jonathan is content with the Lord’s plans. He so loves David and wants God’s plans for him that David’s successes and failures feel like his own. So when David doubts it all, Jonathan goes and reminds him who God declared him to be. And if God said it, you can count on it. Who doesn’t need a friend like that? 

Remember, our friendships must be built on something, and the best friendships are built on a love for the Lord and his plans. That’s why they push us toward holiness.  

David, in a moment of brokenness and despair, has a friend who reminds him how great their God is and that he will be faithful to do everything he promised. Jonathan says, “David, as great as you are, I don’t believe these things because of you. I believe these things because I know the God who holds all things together is working these things out in you. I see it even when you can’t see it yourself.”  

We all need friends who store up the promises of God for us and then take them out to remind us of the great things God is doing in and through us.  

5. Real friendship sticks with you, rain or shine.  

I still remember the first time I got caught in the rain walking around KL (as in, it’s happened multiple times). It’s usually because I’m trying to meet up with one of you. On this occasion, I was walking down Jalan Ampang from our office to meet someone for coffee, and man, rain here goes from nothing to downpour in like 2 seconds. I should’ve known I was done for because all the Malaysians started running as soon as the first few drops came.  

Usually, it’s in the seasons when the rain is pouring hardest on us that we’re most likely to disconnect from others. And I still don’t really understand that. Maybe we don’t have the emotional stamina, so we lean away. But it’s when we’re at our most unlovable that we need friends the most. 

[Prov. 18:24] – A man of many companions may come to ruin,     but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

We all know we need that friend, but when we’re at our most broken, we just don’t think we can ask for it. A pastor-friend of mine likes to say we all want to be known and loved, but we’re afraid to share the real us with other people because if they really knew us, they wouldn’t love us. So when times are hard, we expect people to scatter. But a real friend doesn’t ask you how the rain feels, they get in it with you.  

Years ago, a teenager from my church called me one night asking me if I could come help him out. His car had gone off the road, one of his tires was stuck in a hole, and he couldn’t get out. So he called the strongest, most manly guy he could think of. No, I had a relationship with him. I did help lift the back end of the car out of the hole, though.  

After that, we drove to a nearby place to talk, and after a few minutes of silence, I asked him, “So how’d you get in that ditch?”  

He said, “I hate where my life is right now, and I was just ready to be done. So I sped up in my car, started to lose control, got scared, got stuck, and called you.”  

We both knew he had needed a change for a while. So I told him, “I’m not sure what that looks like for you, but why don’t you come move in with me for a few weeks. Let’s help you take your next step.”   

Now, I’m not saying that’s what you should do in every situation. That’s just how the Lord was leading in that moment. But the point is that there are steps you can take to intentionally open your life to other people like that.  

I know that sounds like a radical step to take; I mean, just having someone interrupt your privacy like that. But a true friend is willing to say, I’ll lay down my preferences, my comfort, my life if it means your good. And that’s just so crazy to us because it’s hard to fathom loving someone like that. It’s hard to imagine being loved that much.  

But this is what makes friendship with Jesus the best of all.  

See, where we said friendship is built on mutual interest, Jesus says in John 15, you didn’t choose me, I chose you. While we were still enemies, Jesus chose to befriend us.  

And while we resisted God in sin, Jesus chose to open up the heart of God to us so that we would grow to love what he loves.  

He knows us better than we know ourselves. He’s willing to say the hard things that cut to the heart and he’s willing to stick around to see us through the valleys of despair. He’s even willing to lay down his life to bring us in, and he never lets us down.  

QUESTION: Have you experienced friendship with Jesus?  

See, if you really want to become a friend like Jesus, you first have to let him become a friend to you. Isn’t that how all our other friendships work? We start to become like the people we surround ourselves with so why don’t you surround yourself with Jesus?  

That means when you’re in trouble, you confide in him. It’s like the hymn says: What a friend we have in Jesus | all our sins and griefs to bear | what a privilege to carry | EVERYTHING to God in prayer.  

To other friends we say, but I don’t want to be a burden. But Jesus says to burdened people, “Come to me, my yoke is light and easy!” 

Or like the song we’re about to sing just a minute – Jesus wants us to learn to abide in him. That’s how we love like him, serve like him, die like him. We depend on him. We grow in him, and he changes us.  

If you look back at Jonathan and David’s friendship, 1 Samuel 20 talks about the covenant they made with one another. In [1 Sam. 20:13], Jonathan says to David, “May the Lord be with you, as he has been with my father. 14 If I am still alive, show me the steadfast love of the Lord, that I may not die; 15 and do not cut off your steadfast love from my house forever, when the Lord cuts off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.”

When the Lord cuts off all his enemies, who doesn’t need a friend who sticks closer than a brother? Someone who won’t let us stay in our shame? Who, as Jesus says in John 15:13, will literally go to hell for us, if it means that we not be cut off from life with the Father. 1 Samuel says that Jonathan loved David as his own soul. Jesus says I want you to experience that with me. And because Jesus laid down his life for us, we can walk in friendship with God. You can walk in that today, my friend.  

In Christ, you can be fully known AND fully loved. And through the power of the gospel, you can be changed into the image of Jesus.  

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^[1] https://www.authenticmanhood.com/blog/5-degrees-of-communication/ 

¹ Works Consulted: 

• “You’ve Got A Friend in Me” – Greear 
• “Friendship” – Keller 
• Proverbs – Ortlund 
• “Strengthen Each Other’s Hands in God” – Piper