Marriage (Ephesians 5)

Good morning, Eric, one of the pastors here.¹ We’re in week 3 of our relationships series. I heard last week some of you were surprised about what the Bible has to say about singleness. Maybe you left thinking, let’s just get to the marriage week, but there’s two things I want you to hold onto as we talk about marriage.  

FIRST is that the same guy who championed singleness also champions marriage. God gives both as a gift. It’s not either-or, but both-and. 

SECOND – we need to keep in view what the Bible says about friendship and singleness as we talk about marriage. Just like we should consider what the Bible says about family and the church. God created us for all kinds of relationships and it’s important for us to understand these dynamics as we learn to love others as Christ loved us. 

Now, any conversation about marriage needs to start with what marriage is for. Some of you singles might be wondering what you should be looking for in a potential spouse. But how can you know what to look for in a spouse if you don’t know what it’s designed to do?  

Look with me at the end of Ephesians 5, Paul says in [v. 31] – “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  

When we talk about purpose, traditional cultures tend to focus on the functionality of marriage. They’ll say marriage is one of the basic building blocks of society. Healthy marriages build healthy families build healthy communities. Families are the best environment for raising kids and kids 

are the people we entrust to take care of us as we get older. And while that’s a great byproduct, it’s not the primary purpose of marriage. 

A more modern take on marriage sees marriage as about love and happiness. It’s about finding your soulmate, that person who completes you; who’s there to make you happy for as long as you both shall live. But how do you know if you’ve found the right person to do that with? A life-time guarantee sounds great when you’re talking about buying an appliance but scary when you’re talking about committing your life to another person.  

But Paul has neither of these purposes in view. Marriage, as it’s presented in Eph. 5, is about joining yourself for life to another person to prepare them for eternal life with God. It’s one of the most generous gifts you can give another person. But keep in mind that also means singleness and marriage both have the same aim – to be transformed into Christlikeness. But marriage has a unique way of changing you.  

This morning I want to look at marriage as promise, partnership, picture.  

1. Marriage is a life-time promise. 

Genesis 2:24 (which Paul already quoted) says a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is the foundation all biblical marriages are built on and it’s telling us that marriage is the voluntary decision to break from previous family ties to bind yourself to another person in covenant love.  

A covenant is just a fancy way of saying an exclusive, permanent, binding relationship to another person. The two become one. So much of marriage is about learning to be ONE with your spouse. Just like so much of the Christian life is about learning to be one with Christ.  

Marriage is a promise you make today to be there for your spouse tomorrow no matter what. It’s guaranteed. And if we’re saying the purpose of marriage is to help prepare your spouse for heaven, then promising your tomorrows means you can actually deal with the ongoing sin you both brought into the marriage today.  

I knew of one couple that would always threaten divorce when they’d get into heated arguments over unmet expectations, which is just a way of slowly destroying a marriage. Because it was signaling to each other, if this doesn’t go the way I want it to, I’m out. The husband used to tell me he lived in fear of making a mistake because he thought she’d actually leave. 

How can you openly admit your faults and seek change if the relationship is put on the altar every time a big problem comes up? 

See, marriage as a promise means: 

It’s not 50-50. Marriage isn’t a contract where as long as I do my part and you do your part everything will be fine. Marriages like this aren’t built to weather the storms of sickness and poverty. If you treat your marriage like a contract, when your spouse isn’t meeting your needs or holding up their end of the bargain, you’ll think you have grounds to cut ties and move on.  

But marriage as a covenant-keeping promise means it’s 100-100. Meaning I’m all-in and she’s all-in and when everything around us starts to fall apart or when we let each other down, nobody’s going anywhere. Because we’re committed to one another.  

There have been times in my marriage where I didn’t like my wife very much and I know there have been times where she wasn’t all that fond of me. And we’ve had some really great years of marriage, but I think we’d still both agree that year 6 was the hardest because that was the year we discovered we disagreed on how to parent and neither of us knew that until we had a baby.  

But in some ways, it didn’t matter. Because I promised to be with her no matter what. And when you’re joined to another person like that you realize you’re willing to let go of lesser things in order to hold the most important things together. That’s what promise-keeping marriages do. 

Marriage as a promise also means that.. 

Love isn’t what sustains the marriage. I love how Dietrich Bonhoeffer puts it: He says, “It’s not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”  

Now, that doesn’t mean our marriages aren’t marked by love. It just means that your commitment to your spouse isn’t based on how you feel about them at the moment because feelings will come and go, but compared to your feelings, the marriage relationship is permanent. Love may be what brought you together, but it’s the covenant promise that keeps the love going. 

God has used my wife more than any other person in my life to teach me about commitment, service, and devotion. She has never once expressed regret over the duty she has toward me.  

To have a spouse who doesn’t just tell you they’re committed to you but walks out the promise in faith, is one of the more attractive things I find about her.  

Now, some people will ask, “How do I know if I should promise myself to this person?” And that’s a hard question to answer. Maybe you’ve been told to consider some combination of attraction, chemistry, and compatibility. And I think yeah. Do you like them? Do they have a good sense of humor, similar interests? Those things are great.  

But I would also encourage you to think more holistically. Like: 

• What’s their spiritual life look like? Do they have a growing love for Jesus? Do they have a teachable spirit?  
• What about their character? What are they like when things don’t go their way? Do you trust them? Keep in mind, we’re talking about someone you might raise children with. Would you want your son or daughter to be like them?  
• How do they approach conflict? Are they easily irritable, defensive, unreasonable?  
• What are they like when they’re around other trusted people? What about when they’re around their family? That can often be very clarifying. 

Marriage is a promise. It’s not about finding someone to complete you, it’s about seeing the other person changed into the image of Jesus from one degree of glory to the next.  

2. Marriage is a self-giving partnership.  

I wouldn’t call it give and take. It’s more like give and give. Don’t seek out your own interests but give yourself away in service to the other. Just listen to how Paul describes marriage in Eph. 5: 

[v. 22] – Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.[25] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.  

Let me draw out FOUR things about partnership in marriage: 

a. Partnering in marriage means inviting the Holy Spirit in.

Every marriage involves two sinners, which means we need God’s help, but not every marriage invites the Holy Spirit in.  

But that’s what shapes the context of Eph. 5. If you look back in vv. 17-18 Paul’s talking about walking wisely, obeying the will of the Lord, and not being controlled by wine or anything else. But instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit.

Then in [v. 21] he says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ as ones filled with the Spirit, and then he just starts talking about marriage. There’s no transition. There’s no end point from the previous section. One thought flows into the next because the idea of living the Spirit-filled life should be embodied in lots of relationships, but especially in Christian marriage.   

So often we talk about the dynamics of marriage like it’s a battle of the sexes. We’re gonna talk about headship and submission in a minute, but we can’t do that apart from the idea of Spirit-filled oneness.  

People who oppose the biblical ideal for marriage will talk about it like it’s more advantageous for one person over the other because one person gets to be in charge of the other. And that’s a fair critique when our marriages look like that.  

But marriage is not one person dominating the other or insisting on their own way. That would be a better a picture of married life in the flesh. 

Married life in the Spirit is not one person controlling the other. It’s both people being led by the Spirit for the other’s good. There’s mutual submission, but there’s also gendered-difference. There’s form and there’s freedom in how God set it up. Every married couple has to learn that dance, and chances are you’re going to step on each others’ toes.  

But God has called us to partner together, not to compete with each other. There’s a reason why Genesis 2 gets brought up everytime you see marriage significantly talked about in the Bible.  

Genesis 2 tells us it wasn’t good for the man to be alone so God creates a suitable helper and when Adam saw Eve he broke out into song. 

In [Gen. 2:23] Adam says, “This at last is bone of my bones     and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman,

    because she was taken out of Man.”

Adam saw someone like him, but different. Someone who was a necessary Helper to the work God invited him into.  

Calling the Woman helper should be no less demeaning than it is to God when the Psalmist says in [Ps. 70:5] – But I am poor and needy; hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD, do not delay! The Psalmist calling God his help is the same word used to describe the Woman in the Garden.  

There’s all kinds of dynamics and sin that make the beauty of the marriage relationship difficult and maybe sometimes it feels impossible to you. But God has equipped you with his Spirit to love Jesus and serve your spouse. Don’t be ruled by the desires of your flesh. Instead, invite the Spirit of God into your marriage. And in the power of the Spirit, seek the good of the other as a way of honoring Christ.  

b. Partnering in marriage means being naked & unashamed.

Married couples need to learn how to live naked with their spouse. Is that provocative enough? I don’t mean that only physically, though that’s one component of married life. It also means personally, emotionally, spiritually. In every way, one. (BTW – parents, if you have a child in the room that you don’t want to hear about sex, this is a great time for a toilet break.) 

Now, I recognize sex often feels out of bounds to talk about, but it’s something the world has gotten increasingly good at discipling in and I want us to think more biblically about it in our marriages.  

When I was a teenager, there was a godly older man involved in student ministry who once said to some of the older guys in a fatherly way, “I’m not naive. I know that some of you have probably watched movies with sex scenes in them [they just pop up on you] and I just want you to know Hollywood is selling you a faulty picture of the marriage bed.” We didn’t have a clue.  

But years later, that conversation opened the door for my wife and I to talk with him and his wife when we were facing the challenges and miscommunication that come with learning how to become one in marriage. 

Some people will say sex is dirty and wrong. Then on the other extreme, people will say it’s an appetite that defines your whole identity. But the Bible says that sex is a wonderful gift designed for an exclusive, committed, loving relationship between one man and one woman.  

The Bible makes sex so exclusive, not because it’s anti-sex but because God has such great respect for the power of sex.  

In 1 Cor. 6 Paul gives the example of not sleeping with a prostitute and in [v. 16] – Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” Paul’s saying sex and marriage are so tied together that the two can’t be separated and when you play around like sex is casual and doesn’t matter you’re destroying yourself.  

Ladies, if a guy is willing to give you his body but not his life don’t take it. Not worth it. He’s functionally saying I’m willing to take but not give. And when you give yourself away like that, the Bible says you’re entering into a covenant relationship divorced from the exclusivity, commitment, and love. 

That is not Spirit-filled leading. That is walking in the flesh and God wants so much more for you.  

The Bible recognizes the power of sex. It also celebrates the pleasure of sex. Sex is for marriage, and it’s meant to be enjoyed in marriage. But that takes a lot of patience, communication, and a heart of service.  

Paul says in [1 Cor. 7:3] – The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Which I think is counter to every culture. In a culture that favored men, Paul’s saying, the wife’s body belongs to her husband and the husband’s body belongs to his wife. That’s part of becoming one.  

The principle is this: Prioritize putting your spouse’s needs above your own. 

It’s not give and take, it’s seek the good of the other. It’s serve the other. Care wholistically about the personal, emotional, spiritual well-being of the other.  

The mentality isn’t to seize what you think you’re owed. The idea is that it’s better to give than to receive and that will look different for each spouse. That’s why humble communication is so crucial.  

There’s a lot more to be said about that, but the last thing I want to say is that one of the purposes of sex is childbearing. But Ps. Peter is talking about the family next week and I think he was planning to cover that. 

c. Partnering in marriage is marked by grace & truth.  

When you understand marriage is two sinners God’s using to help each other grow in holiness, it changes how you treat each other. You stop seeing conflict as a sign that things are wrong, but a signthat you’re actually in the game.  

The person you find yourself married to is likely the person who will sin against you the most. And as their spouse, you’re called to take those blows as you give back grace.  

Maybe you’re wondering how you could do that for someone who gets on your nerves, who keeps making the same mistakes, who’s committed this sin you just can’t overlook.  

But have you encountered the grace of Christ? 

[Eph. 5:25] –  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… But then vv. 26-27 go on to describe the way Jesus loves you as if you were his own body.  

He sets you apart, he cleans you, he presents you as perfect in him. IOW, Jesus voluntarily enters a relationship with sinners ready to do the dirty work of enduring and forgiving so that you’ll become more like him. 

That means my greatest hope for my wife is not that she’ll get her act together, it’s that she’ll be conformed into the image of Jesus. Her greatest hope for me shouldn’t be that I’ll live up to some ideal that she had for me over a decade ago. Her hope should be that Phil. 1:6 – that “he who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”  

Which totally redefines what winning an argument looks like. If my joy is in seeing her good, then my winning is when she flourishes. That changes the way you speak to each other. It calls you back into Spirit-filled oneness. Because if you’re ONE, there’s not a winner and loser in every argument. Either you both win or you both lose. Gamer-changer.  

d. Partnering in marriage is built on love and respect.

We’ve already talked about hard things, so let’s just keep going. Let’s talk about headship and submission.

[Eph. 5:22] – calls for wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord and [v. 25] calls for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and [v. 33] summarizes the relationship as one of love and respect. 

First, let’s talk about what submission doesn’t mean…^[1]

1. Submission doesn’t mean the wife is in any way inferior to her husband.

[Gen. 1:27] grounds us in the reality that – God created man in his own image…male and female he created them.

Both man and woman are image-bearers and co-heirs to all the spiritual blessings offered in Christ. And Galatians 3:28 tells us there is no real hierarchy because we’re all one in Christ.  

• Submission doesn’t mean the dominance of the man.

It’s not about him getting his way. The call of the husband is toward servant leadership, so the husband should never exercise headship to please himself but should take the initiative in doing what’s best for the whole. That’s what a servant leader does. 

BTW – men, submission here is voluntary, not forced. Which means you don’t get to throw Eph. 5:22 in your wife’s face and say, “See! God says you have to listen to me.” That’s what children do. Don’t be a child.  

• Submission doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your husband says.  

Submit as is pleasing to the Lord…that doesn’t mean passive and blind. There are headship-submission dynamics in other earthly relationships, and never is a person advised to violate their conscience or disobey God. 

And when that happens wives have every right to lovingly correct that kinda leadership, for everyone’s sake.  

• Submission doesn’t mean independent decision-making on the part of the husband.

That’s true in marriages, that’s true in the church. God appoints leaders but leadership is more about responsibility and initiative than it is about superiority and dominance. They say the best leaders surround themselves with people who are gifted in areas they’re weak in so that strengths can cover weaknesses. Similarly, a husband and wife are often gifted in unique and different ways and even that has to be discovered and worked out in the context of your marriage. But a husband would be a fool not to listen and benefit from the wisdom and understanding of his wife.  

Paul gives us the principle of headship and submission, but he doesn’t define what this will look like in every marriage. That’s something each couple has to work out together.  

Wives are called to submit not because the husband’s worthy of it, but because Christ called you to it. You’re called to encourage and uphold your husband’s servant leadership as a way of serving Jesus and building up your husband.  

Ladies, you have the ability to put steel into the bones of your husbands or overtime you can cripple him through your lack of trust. The idea is to generously give love and respect. Not because either of you earned it but because you promised yourselves to each other.  

Let’s talk about headship. Husbands, that means you’re called to take responsibility and initiative. Now, I know some men can be domineering, but a lot of guys don’t have a clue how to do this well. So let me offer a couple of ways you’re called to lead. 

And I think we get a helpful picture here by comparing Adam in Gen. 3 alongside Jesus in Eph. 5. In Genesis 3:  

• Adam was passive. Gen. 3:6 that when Eve was being deceived by the serpent, Adam was right by her side watching the whole thing.  
• Adam failed as a spiritual leader. When the serpent was tempting Eve to believe a lie about God, Adam, who knew the truth, stood by and said nothing.  
• Adam failed to protect. God told him not to eat from the tree because he knew, if they did, they would surely die. Now his wife has the fruit in her hand, death is on the table, and he’s curious to see what happens.  
• Adam avoided responsibility. When God confronts him in the Garden, Adam blames everyone but himself.  

This is headship turned upside down. But in Ephesians 5, we see a different picture. Jesus rejects passivity by coming from heaven to earth to pursue his bride. He takes initiative for the sake of her integrity and sanctity. Jesus calls his bride to walk in the truth according to the word. He cares for her like he would his own body. And when she fails, he doesn’t give her up. He does the hard thing of laying down his life in her place.  

Right there you see, responsibility, initiative, protection, spiritual leadership, self-sacrifice. That’s the role a husband is called to walk in as he partners with his wife.  

Now some might say, well that’s nice for a Christian marriage, but what about when a Christian is married to an unbeliever? And I would affirm what was said last week, marrying a non-Christian is a non-starter. But sometimes a person comes to faith while already married. And the general biblical encouragement is to stay in the marriage.  

You say, well what about submission in that case? Isn’t that wrong? [1 

Peter 3:1] – Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives…

The point is that if you have an unbelieving spouse you have a unique opportunity to be a faithful gospel witness for your spouse. You’re not guaranteed your spouse will come to faith, but you do have the privilege of praying and serving in a way that makes the love of Christ tangible to them and that is a powerful calling even though it’s a difficult one. 

But again, it’s a reminder that marriage isn’t about us getting what we think we deserve. It’s about seeing the other person look more like Jesus, and that’s still on the table, even when you have an unbelieving spouse. 

3. Marriage is a picture that points to the gospel.  

Our marriages are meant to be a signpost pointing to the story of the gospel. It’s a picture of a Husband who humbly lays down his life for the good of his bride and of a Bride who willingly and joyfully follows the leadership of her Husband.  

See, marriage, and even the biological family, are not the crowning achievements of this life. Marriage is meant to be the most permanent relationship we enjoy on earth, but it’s also a temporary one. That’s why when Christians exchange marriage vows they’ll say “til death do us part.” Death releases us from the duty.  

But the Cross of Christ reverses this. It’s not ‘til death do us part. It’s through Jesus’s death that our life with God begins. Marriage is temporary, but it’s pointing to a relationship with Jesus that is eternal. 

That’s why Paul says in [Eph. 5:32] – This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  

The idea of mystery ISN’T talking about something that’s hard to understand. Like, the married man or woman who goes to bed wondering how they can stay married to this crazy person? That’s not what mystery means.  

Mystery means something previously hidden that’s been made known. Paul is saying, since God took the rib from Adam to make Eve, marriage was always meant to be a pointer to our eternal relationship with God. Marriage isn’t ultimate, but it’s pointing us to a life with Christ that is. 

See, the gospel is what fuels your marriage. Seeing Christ serve you and laying down his life for you gives you the power to do the same. When you’ve been loved by Jesus like this that’s what emboldens you to love and serve your spouse even when they don’t reciprocate because you’re not doing it to earn their love or respect, you’re doing it as an act of worship to the Lord. 

Marriage is a promise, a partnership, a picture.  

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^[1] I’m grateful to JD Greear & John Piper in building out this explanation.  

¹ Works Consulted: 

• “God’s Purpose and Plan for Gender” – Greear 
• The Meaning of Marriage – Keller
• This Momentary Marriage  – Piper –        Ephesians (commentary) – Baugh