Singleness (1 Corinthians 7)

Good morning. Welcome to Garden City. Our mission is to advance Christ’s kingdom through a gospel movement here in KL and the world. Peter, one of the pastors. Glad you’re here.

Week Two – Relationship Series. Last weekend we looked at friendship – biblical friendship and living in community. Today –  Singleness.

Why are we talking about singleness in a relationship series? They’re not in a relationship. Well, at least 3 reasons:

1. The bible talks about it. Has a lot to say about singleness.
2. Singleness is not just a relationship status on your profile. Much more than that.
3. Being single doesn’t mean you don’t have any relationships. Usually what we think. – Isolated. Alone. – Not true.

Bibles. 1 Cor. 7. Turn. Screen.

Context: Marriage and Singleness. Some – Paul’s specific context. v. 26 – “Present distress.” – Points are really for back then – original audience. Yes, true. But the theological principles/truths he is applying to his specific time and context are also truths for today. 

We’re going to talk about what singleness isn’t, what it is, and if you are single, how you should live it out. First thing…

1. Singleness is not a problem to be fixed. 

Text: 1 Cor. 7 6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (Quick side note: Some cultures/contexts – Sex is bad. Shameful. Not talked about. But the Bible is very clear that sex within the context of marriage, husband and wife, is good. Gift from God. Come back next week when we’ll cover marriage in more depth.)

Singleness is not a problem to be fixed. Oftentimes, people look at single people kind of funny. – Why are you single? As if they have some kind of disease. There something wrong with them? Sure, some people are single because they’re not marriage material. They have character issues. And maybe those are the reasons they are single, but the problem isn’t singleness in and of itself. 

Let me ask you this: At what age is singleness a problem? Because for a 10 year old, I think we’d all agree, it’s not an issue that they’re not married yet. Right? Still very much a child. Or what about an older widow/maker in their 50s +? We’d probably say that’s fine. My guess is most people would say somewhere between the ages of about 20-40 because that’s the age most people get married. Plenty of disagreement.

So who ultimately gets to decide? Everyone can have their own opinion. But Scripture doesn’t dictate – which means there’s freedom to decide when time is right or when God gives the opportunity to get married. Or not to get married at all and remain single.

The Bible, would say – that’s great. Nowhere in the bible does God promise that we will all be married or that we need to.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with being single. In fact, Paul says, v.7 – he wishes more people were single – as he is. Why would he say that? (Come back)

Myth that a lot of people believe that you cannot be fulfilled or have joy if you’re single. You’re going to be sad, lonely. Could it be true? Sure. But it doesn’t have to be. As Christians, we believe there’s nothing lacking in Jesus that needs to be found in a spouse. Everything we need for life and joy is found in Jesus alone. Every other good thing, like both singleness and marriage, is to point you to the all satisfying love of Christ. And to believe otherwise is anti-biblical.

Singleness is not a problem to be fixed. So that means…

2. Single people are not projects. They’re not projects we need to work on or force our help/input. People aren’t a haphazard, random science experiment where – Let me mix this one with that one and see what happens just because. This could be fun. – Ok or explode? Don’t do it unless you have genuine care and good reason for trying to set people up. 

I think many single people would say it’s loving to them to avoid making thoughtless comments or putting pressure on them. Comments like – “You’re too pretty, too good, to be single. You’re next, don’t worry. You deserve to be married.” Though it may be from a good place, it isn’t the most helpful or welcomed especially if you don’t have a relationship with them. And ultimately because they’re not promised anything. Maybe they’re fine being single. And regardless, it’s good practice to first ask and get their permission if you are going to do it.

3. Singleness is not an inferior status and does not lower your value or worth. Being single doesn’t reflect your character or your Christlikeness. Biblical Manhood and Womanhood are not dependent on being a husband/father or wife/mother. They are certainly roles God gives to some. But not requirements or qualifications.

Your relationship status doesn’t determine how much God loves you. God doesn’t love you more or less based on whether you’re single or married. He loves you purely based on the fact that he created you in his image and according to the love he has for his son, Jesus. That’s it.

So being married is not a superior state or make you a better person. I’ll be honest, married people are some of the most messed up people. Some of the most selfish, self-centered, stingiest people I’ve ever met. 

Marriage doesn’t make you whole or more important or useful. I wasn’t any less of a person when I was single. And married people are no more important in the church. Scripture – Every member of the body is vital in playing his/her role. (1Cor.12)

And in fact, it’s not always better to be married than single…

Prov. 12:4 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. 

Prov. 25:24 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

Sounds terrible. Now, I know these two particular verses are talking about not so great wives, but the same applies to terrible husbands too. It’s so much better to be single than to be married and miserable. 

So singleness is not a problem to be fixed, it’s not an inferior status, it doesn’t determine your value. – Single people aren’t damaged or unwanted goods – And not our personal projects. So what is singleness?

4. Singleness is a gift. Paul, I wish all were – single – but everyone has their own gift. (v.7) Meaning, singleness is a gift just as being married is a gift. That’s how the bible speaks about singleness. Maybe it’s frowned upon by culture, your family, or married people. But it’s not by God.

So why is singleness a gift? For one, there’s an inherent freedom to being single.

26 I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. (Marriage, of course, is not sinful. But Paul recognizes that there are difficulties with being married.)

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. (This is the most important point – Devotion to God.)

Freedom in singleness is not, do whatever you want. It’s not selfishness and self centeredness – Living for yourself. It’s – I have more time, more resources, and less to think about and consider when it comes to devoting my life to God.

Married people – If they’re honest, will say that it’s a lot more comfortable and easier to be single. When you’re single, you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Time, Talent, and Treasure – Limited resources. As a single – more bandwidth to leverage those for ministry and mission. 

Whenever I go anywhere or do anything, I first have to run it by my boss. (I mean my wife.) Mission trips – Check with Grace. Sometimes, I can’t go. Or have to go later. Because the timing isn’t good for the family. – Work around birthdays, anniversary, holidays, etc. 

Before I had a family I had an awesome life – I had guitars. I had time to play guitars. I played golf. Afterwards, I realized my hobbies – Couldn’t cost me any money or take much time. Buy/Sell – Jordans – Sell them all to bring the wife and kids to KL. (I wouldn’t trade it or ever go back. But there were definitely some pros to being single.)

If people truly understood how hard marriage is, a lot less people would do it. How do I know? Lots of people get divorced. Their initial feelings flee when troubles come. (Grace – Jokingly: “Man, if I only knew…” Me – “Too bad. Too late now. You’re stuck with me.”)

Marriage requires real and meaningful relational investment. Getting married is not about finding someone to do the finances, cooking, driving, the cleaning. Takes time, energy, effort. It’s so much easier not being in such an intimate relationship with another sinner.

Grace: What are you going to do if something ever happens to me? Are you going to marry someone else? Nope. I want to be free. (Love being married.) As a single person, there’s not as many people you have to consider or consult before making decisions.

If you are single, don’t despise the gift. Leverage it for the mission. (V. 32-35) Be all in and devoted to God. Invest your time and energy in the church and its mission. Find places and people to serve – Kids/Student Ministry – You can love on them, disciple them, and you don’t have to take them home – you get to send them off back to their parents. Serve in refugee ministry. Go on mission trips. Make the most of your freedom and flexibility.

Do you have the gift? 36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, (fiance) if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better. (Choices are not between moral and immoral. Both good choices.) -Self control. Don’t have a strong desire to be married. I’m good. – With my life and where God has me/what he’s given me.

5. Singleness is a season for some and a calling for others.

17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. 

There’s all different kinds of people in the church. But what’s true for everyone is your life doesn’t start if/when you get married. 

If it’s a season, prepare to become the kind of person you want to be married to. I had some people once tell me when I was challenging them to step up and grow: “I’m not an elder so the qualifications of an elder don’t apply to me.” Well, what are the qualifications? You’re above reproach, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money, but a lover of good, upright, holy, disciplined, etc. (1Tim.3, Tit.1) And yes, you have to be able to teach but 99% is just about being like Jesus. And that applies to every believer.

So don’t say – “I’m not married, so I don’t need to be the kind of wife or husband that Eph. 5 talks about. It doesn’t apply to me.” Maybe not in the context of marriage yet, but pretty much everything about being a good husband/wife is about becoming more like Jesus. 

You don’t know when you might get married. Singleness is a longer season for some than others. So don’t waste your time. If marriage is something you desire, start becoming that person and putting in the work now. Because you don’t just become marriage material and a good spouse by getting married. Me – In a lot of ways, I wasn’t ready. Wanted the benefits of being married, but not all the responsibilities. It was a steep learning curve. I needed someone to disciple me in that and the first few years of marriage would have been so much better.

How and where do you learn to love and forgive and serve and show grace like Jesus? In the church. That’s where you learn to become a good spouse. 1Cor.13. Not actually about marriage. In the church. But if you want that kind of love in your marriage, you learn it in the church.

For others, singleness is a calling from God. – Matt. 19:10-12 10 The disicples said to [Jesus], “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” (Eunuch – Ask Ps. Eric after the service.)

If singleness is a calling for your life, embrace it. There is so much richness in Jesus and the church. Don’t believe the lie that God doesn’t love you, that he’s withholding something good from you, or you need it to be happy.

Heart – Contentment in God and all his love and goodness to you. Contentment – not a means to gain. No expectation. – “I was content and then God brought along so and so.” (Kathy King) Sure that happens sometimes, but be good with it if it doesn’t. (FYI – Contentment is not just for singles, but for all believers. – For what God’s doing and called you to.) 

6. Singles should be rich in relationships, especially in the church.

Again, it’s not like single people are hermits who can’t have deep and meaningful relationships. Don’t use your singleness to be in isolation, hide from and avoid being in community. You don’t have to be alone. You’re not alone. You belong to Jesus and to a church family.

A lot of people think – I’ll get married and then I won’t be so lonely. Marriage is not the solution to loneliness. Gary Thomas – Sacred Search: “Marriage doesn’t solve emptiness; it exposes it, so marry someone who has a solid core. If someone can’t live without you, he or she will never be happy living with you either.”

Married people with families – Where are the single people in your life? They should be in your homes. Part of your community. You don’t have to just hang out with and be friends with married people. Single people aren’t beneath you now. My fam – Meaningful relationships. Not because they’re single. But because they’re people.

Piper – Marriage and family are temporary for this age. The church is forever. – Marriage points to the relationship between Jesus and the church. But marriage is not always necessary because you already have the thing it’s pointing to – your relationship with Jesus. The blessings that are yours in Christ and the church are greater than the blessings of marriage and family. (Come back week 4 for more on that…)

7. Singleness is a more advanced state of the gospel.

29 This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short … 31 … For the present form of this world is passing away. (Time is short. Jesus is coming back soon. View all Christians should have. We’re not living for the temporary, but the eternal.)

Jesus – Context: Sadducees and the Resurrection. Matt. 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. – In heaven, no one is married. 

Our hope as Christians – Is not marriage in this life. Now again, is earthly marriage good? Yes. Is it ultimate? No. It’s a tool that God can use, just like singleness to grow us at his discretion. 

Our hope is not in any earthly relationship, though they’re good gifts from God. But in Jesus alone. Jesus saving us and doing his work in us, making us into his likeness, for himself. It’s our marriage to Jesus. 

Singleness and Dating 

Non-negotiables: Nonbeliever – Strictly off limits! 39 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 40 Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

2 Cor. 6 14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God…

Dating evangelism is NOT biblical. (Different if already married. Stay married. God may save your spouse through you.) If you are going to marry, it needs to be a believer you can live on mission with. Shared vision/values. Grow in Christ together. Because marriage is a picture of Christ and the church.

Wise Principles…

-Am I ready? Am I a godly person that someone would want to marry? As much about yourself as it is the other person. Am I pursuing Christlikeness and biblical qualities – Prov. 31, Eph. 5, Fruit of the Spirit (Gal.5). (Not perfection. Growing.) Am I looking to love and serve someone? Or am I just a consumer looking for someone to serve me? 

-There’s no perfect person for you. There’s no perfect personality match. If you want to wait for the perfect person, just wait til you meet Jesus in heaven. They don’t exist here on earth. So don’t expect them to be someone they are not – God. 

Conflict is ok and even good. 2 sinners getting together even in marriage never results in sin-free… (“We never fight.” – Fake. Don’t care enough. Neither are good.) Don’t be fake. Sure, put your best foot forward. But don’t hide your flaws and pretend to be someone you’re not. 

How you deal with conflict – may be the best indicator of whether a relationship will last. Christlikeness – To love, forgive, gracious, patient, merciful. 

-Looks and personality are not unimportant but they’re not of first importance. Do you really want to end up in a relationship with someone who is physically attractive – 10/10 – but is horrible to be around? And you know what inevitably happens? People get old and they don’t look the same. 

-Guys

-Don’t be passive. 

-Don’t play around. Be careful with your words. (Tony Merida – Different types of love. Guys – Vocab is limited. Love – “I love donuts.”) Think with more than with our stomach and eys.

-Don’t be creepy. Don’t stalk. No means no.

-Ladies – Don’t settle. Definitely not for a nonbeliever. And for the same reasons, don’t settle for someone who won’t lead spiritually. 

-Not all dating will lead to marriage. Good/Fine. Initially, it may be “yeah ok”. And later on as you get to know each other, it may be “yeah definitely not”.

-Dating – Progressively more serious. There’s a difference between you’re going on your first date and you’ve been dating for year(s) and you’re becoming more serious about the future to get engaged/married.

-Purity is not a line. – How far can we go without crossing it? Heart posture – Honoring Jesus.

-If you’re engaged, congratulations – But you’re not married. So don’t act like it yet. There have been plenty of engaged couples who should have called it off. Red flags. But they ignored wisdom and counsel and they thought it was too late.

-Get godly counsel. And listen. Please – Talk to married couples. Over 5yrs. Single people aren’t always the best people to give other single people advice about marriage and relationships. (Me – Freshman bible study. – Grace)

-Now let me give you some good Christian pickup lines. JK.

God’s love for you, his delight in you, isn’t based on your relationship status. Jesus – Single, 33yr old man. – Completely fulfilled and secure in his relationship to his Father and the love the Father had for him. 

And that same love is the love he invites us to experience. His love for you – led him to take on flesh and to suffer and die for our sins so we could be forgiven and be brought into loving and right relationship.

If you’re looking for someone to satisfy your soul and bring fulfillment and joy. – Jesus. Everyone else will fail and disappoint you. But he won’t. Jesus is who you are looking for.